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title = "Things I Learnt The Hard Way - Toxic/Aggressive People Are Not Fixable" |
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date = 2019-07-23 |
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[taxonomies] |
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tags = ["en-au", "books", "things i learnt", "personal", "microaggressions", "toxic people"] |
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You may think "But I could go to those people and say 'Why are you being |
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toxic?' or 'Why are you attacking me?' or even just tell them it's not nice to |
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say such things. It would help." |
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I don't believe that's the case. |
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In the case of toxic people, they just want to see the place burn so they can |
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be the hero that saves the day. Microaggressors just want to make your feel |
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down 'cause so they could feel superior to you. |
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And I don't think they can be easily fixable. That's their modus operandi and |
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they will keep doing it so 'cause that's the only way they can see to |
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"improve" themselves -- even if there is no real improvement, they are just |
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letting everything down so they seem better than the others. |
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On the other hand, if you keep [paying attention to the way people react to |
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you](/books/things-i-learnt/watch-reactions), you may notice that you may be |
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doing this to others. And now the ball is in your park: Do you want to be a |
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better person or not? |
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{{ chapters(prev_chapter_link="/books/things-i-learnt/microaggressions", prev_chapter_title="Beware of Microaggressions") }} |
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title = "Things I Learnt The Hard Way - Beware of Microaggressions" |
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date = 2019-07-23 |
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[taxonomies] |
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tags = ["en-au", "books", "things i learnt", "personal", "microaggressions"] |
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Microaggressions are defined as "brief, everyday exchanges that send |
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denigrating messages to certain individuals because of their group |
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membership". The hardest part is that they don't sound aggressive. |
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Although I'm not part of an oppressed group, I've been microattacked more than |
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once, by the same person. |
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At some point, he mentioned that one couldn't talk bad about someone "around |
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some people". That "someone" was a politician that got arrested for, |
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basically, stealing from the country to promote a certain other company. The |
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way that person said it, thought, made it seem I felt it was wrong to arrest |
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the politician. |
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Another time, I was casually saying that I shouldn't have come to work on my |
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motorbike, although three forecast apps said it wouldn't rain. His comment: "I |
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just looked outside". |
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It may seem innocuous reading those, but if you look closely, all he was |
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trying to do was do let me down. Oh no, I'm part of a group that thinks |
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politicians shouldn't be arrested! Oh no, I'm not smart enough to look |
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outside, while he is![^1]. |
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And those are really hard to fight, 'cause we aren't prepared to "get" those |
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as real attacks. |
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On top of that, HR people are not really prepared to understand those (it will |
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always fall into the "it was just a joke"[^2] excuse and you'll be the |
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troublemaker[^3]). |
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The worst part? While you don't fully get it as an attack, it will slowly pile |
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up. At some point, you may even burst into attacking the person back, with all |
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the concentrated attacks in a single moment. And them _you_ will be seen as |
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aggressive, not them. |
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Better just stay away and avoid contact if possible. |
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[^1]: In the end, when I had to leave work to go back home, it wasn't raining. |
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[^2]: ... which is the pure definition of "Schoddinger's Asshole": Someone |
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that make a comment and, by the other people reaction, call it a joke as a |
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"get out of jail" card. |
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[^3]: And I do wish you have a HR department that understand microaggressions. |
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{{ chapters(prev_chapter_link="/books/things-i-learnt/toxic-people", prev_chapter_title="Beware of Toxic People", next_chapter_link="/books/things-i-learnt/fixable", next_chapter_title="Toxic/Aggressive People Are Fixable") }} |
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+++ |
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title = "Things I Learnt The Hard Way - Beware of Toxic People" |
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date = 2019-07-23 |
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[taxonomies] |
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tags = ["en-au", "books", "things i learnt", "personal", "toxic people"] |
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+++ |
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You'll find people that, even if they don't small talk you, they will bad |
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mouth everything else -- even some other people -- openly. |
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Toxic people love drama. They love to put people down. They love to point |
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mistakes made by others -- but never by themselves. Some of them actually do |
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that to make themselves look better in the eyes of the upper management. |
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Not totally toxic, but I did work with people who would never answer an email |
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unless the manager was in the discussion. Another person would always claims |
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his team did everything they could, even putting himself at the disposal of |
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the manager to solve any issues, and that the problem was not related to their |
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work -- which we proved three times it was. |
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You need to stay away from those people. They will harm in ways you can figure |
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out immediately. Their attitude towards other (and maybe even yourself) will |
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drive you so down you'll waste more time wondering what you did wrong than |
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doing your job. |
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One thing to take a lot of care: Even if it is not your intention, you may not |
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realize that you may be seen as toxic 'cause [you don't understand yourself |
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yet](/books/things-i-learnt/learn-about-yourself) and the way [people react to |
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you](/books/things-i-learnt/watch-reactions). |
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{{ chapters(prev_chapter_link="/books/things-i-learnt/watch-reactions", prev_chapter_title="Pay Attention On How People React To You", next_chapter_link="/books/things-i-learnt/microaggressions", next_chapter_title="Beware of Microaggressions") }} |
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